Zayn Malik’s Mind of Mine review

Zayn Malik’s
Zayn looking for his belly button?

In a nutshell, Zayn Malik’s new CD is about sex, sex, being depressed because fame is hard, sex, having sex, having sex with super models, thinking about sex, One Direction, and being depressed because sex. It’s like the fever dream of any 15 year old with a penchant for broodiness, ethnically ambiguous bone structure, and Garage Band.

First of all, almost every single song is written like it was an AIM away message from 2000that is, LiKe tHiS. Second of all, it’s not that the album is bad. In fact, some of you might love the the painstaking obviousness to Zayn’s interpretation of being young, beautiful, rich, and incredibly sexually active. But some of you are not me. So please, before you yell at me for being harsh, do keep in mind: fuck you.

MiNd Of MiNdd:
An unnecessary intro that adds zero value. SKIP.

Only relevant because Gigi Hadid was in the music video. SKIP.

iT’s YoU:
SO SLOW and sad. Really sad? Kind of beautiful. In a sad, sad, not beautiful at all way. Is it over yet? Oh. No, I’m at 0:09 seconds FUCK. (Alright, not going to lie I had to skip this one because I just took a bunch of Adderall and the slowness of this gave me a panic attack.)

Well, here we are, starting off on the wrong foot again. This synthesized vanilla BS opens with “I don’t drink to get drunk” and I CANNOT RELATE to that at all????????

It’s about some complicated girl who doesn’t know WTF she wants, but needs like, a lot of attention. He calls her crazy which is kind of offensive (#feminism), but this shit’s definitely 10000% about Gigi, and she’s definitely 1000000000000% eating it up.

Finally, a jam I can get behind because it’s about my own true love: drunkenness. Except then the DUMB af lyrics come in. Red eyes, late nights, amnesia, I need you. So this isn’t about alcohol at all. It’s a poorly disguised metaphor for “love.” The Weeknd already did this but it was about cocaine and WAY better.

I instantly feel stoned. Love that. Sidebar: is this song about ISIS? Just curious, no judgement.

rEaR vIeW:
Nothing to do with asses. Bummed.

Only good because Kehlani’s on it. Who is Kehlani? Exactly.

fOoL fOr YoU:
That sound you hear in the distance is me, sobbing that this isn’t over yet.

*Fashions earphones into a noose*

The tRuTh is that all these songs sound the same, and I think that’s my problem with it? Like Zayn, babe. BABE. Babe. All you did was go from one ripped off, commercialized version of pop music to another ripped off (non)commercialized version of R&B. How is that better? Because you’re living your tRuTh now?

I just can’t get over the fact that this title isn’t a word, so tbh I audibly huffed, crossed my arms in revolt, and didn’t listen.

At this point I am not only bored, but I am bored and kind of aroused. Which is something I haven’t felt since I discovered John Mayer and it’s really freaking me out.

Another sad song. Called “BLUE.”

Sort of chill. Seems like something I would enjoy listening to after accidentally snorting some molly off of a gypsy’s hand in Copenhagen, you know?

This is supposed to be one of the shining stars in the album but I threw up in my mouth while listening to iteither because I’ve been taking shots of vermouth (it’s all I had in the cabinet) since I started on this journey 17 songs ago, or because this type of stifled meaninglessness disguised as creative maturity is just too hard for me to stomach.

Zayn sings

Not a boy band member, not yet a solo star anyone over the age of probably 17 (just guessing) is willing to take seriously. But seriously, Zayn Malik has had sex, everyone! And he has no idea what subtlety is.

In case you were wondering how much of a walking joke one young pop star can become, now you know.

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